Getting better, thank you

Thanks to everyone for the pep talks. I needed to hear that I was normal, or sorta normal. I feel about 75 percent better since that day I posted.

I started working on my individual issues, breaking them down instead of piling them on top of each other. I can't remember which day I posted but since then, I've seen a therapist at the suggestion of my midwife, my lactation consultant, my mother and M. But before I saw her, I spoke with the lactation consultant and decided that I wanted to stop breastfeeding. (I'm probably going to get some La Leche person getting on my blog and harassing me now! lol)
I think the bulk of my issue was that physically I haven't been feeling well and on top of that, feeling like a milk machine and not feeling close to my daughter. I actually felt a bit resentful of the breastfeeding and on top of that, was feeling guilty about stopping breastfeeding. I had placed this high standard on how I wanted to be a mother and I wasn't holding up well. But a number of people said that if I wasn't feeling 100 percent, I wasn't going to be able to give Emer 100 percent and she'd know it. Many of us were formula fed and turned out just fine, including myself and M, and we'd survived. I had given her a month and she was already better off than nothing. So, Thursday I decided I was going to stop. It helped to talk to my lactation consultant and she didn't skip a beat when I told her I wanted to stop. She gave me instructions now on how to dry up my milk. Needless to say, the painful swollen boobs are hardly noticeable now that my mood has lifted. I'm still working on the other issues.. one day at a time.

The biggest difference is that I am enjoying my daughter now. I feel more inclined to hold her, even when she's crying, and trying to figure out what is going on with her. I love seeing her smiles, and she has started to smile a bit. (probably gas but it's okay, we think she's smiling at us!) Last night I was even able to do the late shift with her and survived without M's help, while he went to get a bit of much needed sleep. We've also made plans to go to the San Diego area (my parents) about 5-6 days early to get some much needed sunshine. I think that getting into see the therapist and making decisions about bf helped me out a lot. I still have another appt with the therapist when I return from Ireland so I'm prepared for some of those feelings to linger... but for now, I'm doing much better...

Trouble adjusting

Here we are, 25 days into the new parent thing. Some days are easier than others. Some days are brutally tough. And I have HELP. I have someone I can turn to when I can't handle anymore. I didn't think it would be so tough. I truly feel for women (and men) who have to do this on their own. It is not an easy task.

I love this little bean. I mean, it's weird to feel like this about someone that you literally just met but I do. But that doesn't mean it's not a challenge. When you just can't figure out why she's crying and you've tried everything... and I don't even think I have a colicky baby, where she cries all the time for no reason. She doesn't cry excessively, it's just an adjustment. But then she smiles at you (it's just gas, I'm sure) and it's all worth it.

I'm still dealing with some issues though. I can't sit for too long, got a bit of pain in the bum. I won't go into details but it's f%^&*&^ painful and when all you have to do in your day is sit. On top of that, apparently I'm possibly bordering on postpartum depression, according to my midwife. She's a little concerned. Here I just thought it was hormones. The stress of learning to deal with a young one and on top of that, not working. I guess it could be more than that - weather, it's been cold, snowing, raining, gross. I need to be more diligent. I haven't been out of the house with just the bun, alone. It feels overwhelming. I'll have to do it soon though - I'm thinking that heading out to a new mother's/baby's group is probably a good idea. I need to know other people are going through some of the same things I am.

I know if physically I felt better, I'd emotionally feel better. Sure, having a bit of warm sunshine wouldn't hurt but it's winter after all.. it ain't going to happen. We've talked about moving down near my parents. I'm trying not to make any rash decisions at this point but it's hard in the thick of things. A few months will go by and I'm sure I won't feel so bad. Things will settle down. I'll look back on this and be surprised. I just have to take one day at a time.

On a bright note, M and I are celebrating our first anniversary on Wednesday. We might even take a friend up on her offer to watch the bean and go out for dinner. What a year it's been! I'm so happy, I've really married my best friend and a wonderful partner in this new phase in our life. Thank you, M. I love you.

Sleeping baby

How do I get anything done? It seems the day passes and I accomplish nothing aside from breastfeeding the wee one and writing thank you cards for the gifts we've gotten. I haven't actually sent any of those thank you cards, I've just written them. My mom is still doing the bulk of the work - she does laundry, she makes dinner, she cuddles the baby when she's fussy. My mom leaves on Monday. How are we going to do it?

I know the answer to that. We just are. We'll work it out. I'll get off my a$$ and get a bit more organized. I wonder how people go back to work - how do they do it? I want to work a little but the thought of having to breastfeed every 3 hours (the whole process takes between 30-60 minutes depending on whether she eats consistently or rests in between courses!) is keeping me from doing that. And then there's our trip to Ireland. Part of me just wants to rest the whole 3 months. Although I'm sure I'll be stircrazy by then.

It has rained exactly 13 days out of 16 since Emer was born. I don't mean little drizzly rain either, I mean Noah's Ark kind of rain where you are pretty sure you need a snorkel when you go outside. So, suffice it to say, I'm a little depressed. It could be hormones, it could be the weather, it could be this huge life change, it could be not working - it's probably all four of those things. We've talked about moving someplace sunny although I have told M that I won't make any hurried decisions since I'm sure it's just hormones talking right now.

I've noticed exactly how tiny our house is the last few weeks too. Four people and a baby shouldn't share the same space in a house like this. Since we only use one floor currently, we are talking 800 sq feet, approximately. There's no place to get away, especially in this weather. Today is nice, but maybe not nice enough to cheer me up!

I keep meaning to post photos but as I may have said, there aren't a lot of moments when her eyes are open, hence, not a lot of "different" photos. The only thing that changes are the outfits and the blankets. lol I know, I know.... enjoy every moment because they don't come along again... and I am. It's all good.

10 days on...

I can't believe it's 10 days since she was born. It's also exactly one year since M moved to the U.S. to be with me. Our anniversary is the end of the month. Some would say it's been a busy year. I know I would.

Emer (pronounced Eemer) 's name is Irish. M and I actually had come up with girl names, even though we thought we were having a boy. We went through a lot of girl names, I wanted something short with at least 2 syllables. The name needed to flow. lol Anyhow, at first M wasn't sure about Emer, as it was an ex-girlfriend's name, but to me, it didn't matter. No one has heard the name Emer before - aside from the Irish side - so it's fun to have some 'different'. The name doesn't really have any meaning, in particular. M says that Emer was the queen of mythical Ireland way back when. She's certainly a queen! Rose is my maternal grandmother's name - M came up with the middle name and I think it's perfect. It fits her!

So the first week has been a bit of a trial. We went to the pediatrician on Monday and of course, she'd lost weight. She also was a bit jaundiced which of course, sent her mother into fits of crying (of course, that was hormonal but the guilt didn't hurt to keep it going)... I'd been crying uncontrollably for a few days anyway. I guess the hormones that change after pregnancy were worse for me than the one during pregnancy. Anyhow, after that appt, I asked to see a lactation consultant because we were pretty sure the wee one wasn't eating (it's hard to tell when you are feeding from the boob). We saw her 3 times last week and she gave us some great tips, she also prescribed a breast pump and it seems like my milk is finally in! If dirty and wet diapers are any indication... lol By Friday, she'd gained back 3.6 oz (after losing 12oz) so I'm feeling pretty good about that. We're getting into a routine.

Thank god for my mother and M. They have made life easy for me in the last 10 days. I don't have to cook, clean, and could sleep whenever I want. I have someone to hand off the baby too when she's fussy, someone to change diapers, to help me get in place when I have to breast feed. It's made things sooooo much easier and I'm truly blessed. This morning I was even able to get up with Emer, change her diaper and feed her while everyone else was asleep. It's the little milestones that I'm happy with. I don't know how single mom's do it, even how women without their mom's or husbands do it. If I had to be alone all day, doing it all myself... oh my gosh, I can't even think about it. I definitely have a lot of respect for those mother's out there.

Well, it's about that time.. I need to wrap this up. I'm going to take a quick bath and get ready for the feeding frenzy that commences soon. I can see my little girl making the 'I'm almost awake' movements! I promise more photos later. We still have our damn camera with the constantly dead batteries so we had to take photos with the camera that uses film. Needless to say, we have to get them developed....

I guess I spoke too soon

As you all know by now, the bun came out of the oven! However I mentioned feeling on Halloween was justified, I really wasn't feeling right. After I finished working, I told M that we had to leave the house because I couldn't sit around feeling like I was - kinda crampy and uncomfortable. I wanted to get my mind off of it and as we needed a smaller place for the bun to sleep, we headed down to Bab1es R u$ (that last s as the dollar sign being particularly fitting!). We bought the thing we were looking for and the lady at the register asked when I was due. I laughed and said, due Friday but might be having him tonight. (See, I still was thinking boy even though the last few days I thought girl was a possibility). We laughed and went on our merry way. I didn't really think I was having him that night. We headed over to Red Robin and had a dinner consisting of mainly junk - chili cheese fries, onion rings and we split a burger. If I'd known I'd be seeing those things later, I probably would've picked some more appetizing colors or something!

We headed home after food - it was probably about 9pm - and I was starting to kind of keep track of the feelings I was having. I thought they might be contractions. It felt like particularly bad menstrual cramps and having not had those since I was 15 or so, it didn't feel good. They started out about every 15 minutes and pretty soon, I was standing up and trying to "breathe through them" because they weren't feeling particularly good. I called the doula about 11:30 (by the way, she didn't pick up right away...argh) and she finally answered after I called a second time. I told her what was going on, the contractions were about 10-11 minutes apart at this point, which means basically I *could've* been in labor or not. We had to wait and see. She told me to get some rest, sleep if I could and drink tons of liquids. Pretty soon, every contraction had me running to the bathroom, thinking I was going to throw up. I didn't at that point. I just knew I needed to.

M and I tried to go to sleep. He had no problem zonking out but every 10 minutes was awakened by me getting up, or getting on all fours to breathe through the contraction. I was making a lot of noise because my yoga breathing was all I could remember to do! I was sure our nextdoor neighbors could hear. Pretty soon, we just gave up sleeping and came back to the living room, listening to music, drinking a cup of tea, trying again to time the contractions. They were at 5 minutes apart for what seemed like quite a while - still, I didn't know if I was in full labor and didn't want to wake my doula for nothing, so we just kept working through them. It was about 2:30 in the morning when I had a contraction that made me lose my dinner. Having been drunk before I knew all about throwing up - god it felt good! lol M was convinced I needed to call the doula so we did. She didn't pick up right away so he called the hospital. They said he could bring me in and we could see how far I was - he felt better about that because he thought I was getting dehydrated. So by the time the doula called, we were packed and heading to the hospital. She was going to meet us there.

We arrived after an uneventful time in the car. It was 3:30am and we laughed about all the times/routes we'd practiced getting there during rush hour. We needn't have worried, there wasn't a spot of traffic out at that time! We arrived and they made me lay on my back - the worst position by the way - to put a couple monitors on my uterus and the baby. It's the law they do this when you come in, for twenty minutes. It was a brutal 20 minutes. Everyone was doing fine, sure enough I was having contractions...

The midwife on call arrived and it was one of our favorites. She checked me out and told me I was 5cm dialated! I had managed to get most of the way at home (which was a goal) and without my doula (not necessarily what I'd hired her for!). I was still not close though - usually it takes 1 hour per cm to dilate - so was forced to lay on my back for what seemed like forever. They decided to move me from the monitoring room to the place I would give birth and stay in afterward. I got the gown on and they found me a birthing ball to sit on. The contractions were intense and uncomfortable. I was still making a LOT of noise to get through them. Because my water hadn't broken, I wasn't allowed to push yet. That was probably the hardest part of it all - not allowed to do something I really needed to do to feel better. I was using all these other breathing techniques I'd never thought I would because they were so silly when we were learning them. But I had to keep from pushing and that's what they did for me.

I guess at one point, I was sitting on the ball and my legs were shaking so hard. I couldn't stop them. I didn't know at the time that this meant I was in transition, the point before you start pushing the baby out. All I knew was that I didn't think I could go much longer. I could feel myself wanting the drugs. lol At one point, they suggested I get on the bed again. I was lying on my left side with M at my face and my doula close by. I don't remember too many details but when my midwife checked me again, I was 10cm dilated. We were surprised at how fast things were moving. It was only 5:30am. It wasn't long before my water broke. God, what a gorgeous feeling!!! Relief for that moment anyway. Now was the work.

I had completely planned on laboring standing up or something else to use gravity to pull the baby out but here I was on my side, really the only position I could be comfortable on. Finally I was allowed to push. My gosh, the sounds that came out of me now! I remember pushing, I remember everyone saying they could see the baby's head, I remember M leaning over and looking at it, I even remember me touching her head. I remember the midwife telling me to change the pushing noises to push down rather than out (I can't explain it better than that) - instead of pushing out with my grunts, the focus needed to be down and out. It seemed to do the trick. Emer came out in about 20 minutes of pushing. The relief was incredible!

The midwife laid her on my chest as I'd asked and we set our eyes on our daughter (by the way, M got to announce it to me) for the first time. I was just amazed and thinking of it now makes me tear up a bit. I had to have a few stitches because she came out pretty fast but I didn't even notice the rest of the labor. We did get a good look at the placenta about an hour later, and I have to say how incredible it is to see something that kept your child alive for 10 months.

Don't worry, we didn't bring it home with us, nor are we cooking it. That's just too gross.

Bun not coming out of the oven...

I know, I know.. I'm still before my due date. I was hoping for an October baby, go figure. November has never been an exciting month for me. Maybe that's the point. This November will change our lives. Of course, our anniversary is in November and I didn't think twice about that so I can't explain what's up with this. Maybe I just want to see my new son/daughter face-to-face sooner, rather than later. Let's get this party started!

The last few days I've started to think that maybe the bun is actually a girl. For 9 months, we've called him "him" and I admit to wanting a "him" although I'd truly be happy with a healthy child. It's funny how right now I get to see all these ads about statistics of children with autism being born is 1 in 166, and all sorts of other troubles. I start to think of all the random glasses of wine and beer (not a huge amount, mind you, but more than some, I think) I've had, all the cheese I've eaten without thinking if it's pasteurized (I mean, how can you figure out if every cheese you eat is pasteurized - it gets tedious)... But you know what I mean, I start to second guess all the decisions I've made along the way and wonder if my child is going to be born healthy. Whereas for the last 8+ months, I haven't really thought like that at all. The longer it takes for him/her to come out, the more I start to think about that... Which I guess is why I want to see him/her. Her. I don't know, I'm thinking it's a her now. God, my mom will be THRILLED. :))


Happy Halloween everyone!

Not quite there yet

So after feeling crappy and not getting a bunch of sleep the past few days, I had my doctors appointment yesterday. (Joe, you might want to close your eyes for this next bit..) I had my internal exam and I'm - woo hoo! - 1 cm dialated (9 to go). To be honest, that doesn't really mean anything other than things are getting started. They could go nowhere from here.

My midwife was asking me if the bun was moving or I was having contractions and honestly, after awhile, I just can't tell the difference. Now that I think about it, it's mostly baby moving but in the afternoon and evening, it's non-stop activity which is why I can't tell. So we did a non-stress test which involved hooking us up to a machine where we could monitor the baby's heart rate and monitor contractions by my uterus. I literally sat there for 30 minutes feeling nothing but having the tape register some contractions and some baby movements. There was a little concern but I told them it was normal as I feel most movement after noon and before 10pm at night (it was 11am). On cue, the minute we got in the car to drive home there was a flurry of activity in my stomach which didn't stop until I went to bed! (At least he knows when to calm down for his mom!)

So that's where we are for now. Tap, tap, tapping fingers.... waiting. :)) But getting excited, I have to say. M's almost finished the work he started so maybe that's what the bun is waiting for! :))

I will keep everyone posted, if you want, but I need current email addresses for a few people. Only if you want to hear right away, I have a mailing list setup for M. Mel, I don't have one for you, E- I have a few for you, what's the most current?, Hawaii girl, I need a current one as well. As for getting them to me..... maybe through the LDR email? I don't know if you can find my email setup within blogger and I'm too foggy to figure it out. Maybe through the other blog we have setup? That would work too.

Thanks,

Are we there yet?

I had a fantastic weekend. Friday night M and I decided to relax at home because we had some plans for the weekend. On Saturday, I had a girly spa day where two friends took me to get a manicure and pedicure - which M proceeded to start ripping down a wall between our kitchen and front room. Yes, I know we talked about no more remodel before the bun but as it hadn't felt like anything was happening, i told him to get started. If we had the baby that day, he could stop working, if we didn't have the baby for a month, he'd have time to finish it all! So he started taking the kitchen cupboards down after we moved the office and refridgerator to create some space for him to work.

Saturday we went to dinner with some good friends and had a lovely evening. I'm uncomfortable all the time now, so sitting for longer than a couple hours is icky. We were home by 10pm. Ah, the days when I could stay out until 11pm! I miss 'em! lol Interestingly enough, the minute I lay down, we're fine, but I'd say the bun is running out of room and sitting isn't working for either of us...

Sunday I went to yoga and the library while M proceeded to tear down more of the house. We had a baby shower of sorts of Sunday night with some friends, it was lovely. I'm not a huge fan of that sort of thing, and I really dislike being the center of attention but fortunately it didn't last long. They made a lovely meal and we got some really cute stuff for the bun - more clothes and bath stuff and a really cool diaper bag. :) Sunday night I was tired but woke up at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep. I went to the couch and watched a bit of tv before falling back to sleep around 4am. I'm just uncomfortable. Full stop.

Yesterday I had to make a last run to a couple of our properties to install some scanners. I have had the scanners at home here for 2 months while we tried to troubleshoot the problems before taking them to the properties they are meant for. As I only have a week before I drop, I told them I was coming out and would set them up as far as I could. Riding in the car isn't fun and I had to go about 35 miles each way. By the time I returned, I was wrecked and spent the rest of the afternoon in bed. I felt like I was getting the flu.

Even after another crappy night's sleep, I feel better today. Not great but better. Hoping that this means maybe the time is soon?

Ok, maybe not

I have to say I was a little down that day. I *do* love reading everyone's witty and/or thoughtful blogs and it is a nice way to keep in touch with people - well, the six of you that read regularly - lol. So I'll keep going and see if anyone comes back to say hi, now that I've driven you all off! :))

By the way, did I mention I'm feelin' big? Well, yeah, that's what 37 and one half weeks of pregnancy'll do to you. I'm only lucky that it really didn't happen until this last month. I've felt pretty good this whole time, believe me, I know how lucky I am.

So last weekend was a good one. Irish and I had thought about going out of town overnight but didn't, thank god. I would've had a hard time sitting in the car for 3 hours at this point, it's just too uncomfortable. I had made plans with two high school friends for breakfast on Saturday and we met up. It's cool to 'meet' people again - to know them from twenty years ago and then talk to them and find out what they've been up to and find out that it's more similar to you than not. Not that I'm surprised, they were girls I liked in high school for a reason - more left of center than not - so I shouldn't be surprised that I still like them and find them interesting and entertaining. Hopefully we'll make it a regular-ish occurence.

After I left them, I went home and decided to go for a swim. I haven't swam at all during my pregnancy but my midwife mentioned something about turning the baby so he wasn't lying on my right side anymore. Apparently swimming is something really good for that - the weightlessness and the gravity of swimming facedown pulls his back towards my tummy... I don't know if it works at all but it felt LOVELY. I took two of those water noodles and put them under my armpits and I did laps of the breast stroke. It wasn't really 'work' or even exercise, it was pleasure. Pure and simple weightless pleasure. I'm going again today. :)

The rest of the weekend was very relaxing. The weather was dreary which made for laying around watching movies the perfect Sunday. We made banana pancakes, read the Sunday paper and checked out "Inside Man" on Pay-on-Demand. It was a pretty good film, I have to say. It was wonderful and relaxing weekend. The last of them, I'm sure. But we're taking advantage while we can.

Giving up the ghost

I don't know if this title fits what I'm thinking but I'll give it a go. I've been keeping this blog for about a year - the other about a year before that - and I'm getting to the point where I'm thinking that there are some reaaaallly good writers out there, and I'm not one of them. I have an interesting life - to me!- but I can't take the time to sit down and put these things into words like some of the bloggers I read.

Now that I'm about to have a bun, I can imagine that my blog is going to consist of bun-like topics whether I like it or not and I'm not sure I want to subject anyone to that. I'm worried for my friends locally because I already find that my topic of conversation is limited. I know, I know.. you are going to say it's such a big part of my life and it should be important but I'm a little bored by it all. I'm boring myself (!) and that's not good.

So I'm thinking I might shut down this blog for awhile and just keep commenting on the blogs I read, the real people who are witty and entertaining. Maybe I shouldn't make any snap decisions at this point but I would tell those of you who actually read this occasionally that you have about a month before I write again. I'll post a photo of the bun, but after that..... well, I need to think about it. And I'll keep reading you - so you won't be missing me!!! :))

Friday afternoon musings

To start off with, Mel, a doula is like a helpful support person (in addition to your labor nurse and your midwife/OB who help with the delivery but not the natural form of pain management) during your delivery. This is someone I hire, in an effort to keep my birth natural, to help myself and Irish navigate through the hard bits by helping me keep breathing, keep changing positions, keep natural. Apparently, doula's first came into being out here in Seattle although a lot of people don't use them. But the statistics say that doula's help with the birth experience and help keep the level of intervention down if it's not needed by just being supportive. Most people would probably have just their husbands/partners and I'm pretty sure M could manage but on the off chance I have a 30 hour labor, even he's going to need a rest! Of course, it could be so painful that I'm screaming for drugs in the first 10 minutes and then I've wasted a chunk of cash, but there you go. It's worth it to me.

Can I just say what a beautiful morning it is here? As you may remember, I look out at the water from my office and it was quite foggy this morning. As M says, 'we must not have paid our bill because the view is gone!'. But slowly, the fog is changing, it's still hovering over the water but we can see the mountains and islands in the far distance and the blue sky. We can hear fog horns from the ships passing by and that is really cool. What a gorgeous fall day!

...an hour later... returning from a walk down by said water. sigh. What a lovely day.

I'm so mellow now, I don't have much more to say. Have a great weekend!

back on the upswing.

After a week of feeling tired all the time and sick if I'm not stuffing food into my mouth, I finally feel back to normal. Both of things probably led me to a 3 pound weight gain in 3 weeks (I know, I know, I'm pregnant, it's okay) because I wasn't up for the gym AND I just kept eating everything in sight. But whatever I did must've worked because I finally feel better. I was able to get up this morning and go to the gym and I haven't felt the need to eat that last little bit of banana bread that my husband made. Well, not yet. Anyhow, I think it was a bit of sleeping in (amazing what an extra hour and a half does for you) and taking time off from the gym, maybe I managed to avoid a cold or something. Whatever, it's all good.

The weather has been bloody dreary here lately. It's that time of year when the mornings are darker and the evenings get darker earlier and in a place like the northwest where you might get a bit of rain and cloud cover, these days feel even shorter. And it's only September! I remember the days when September was a great month in Washington. Sigh. Now I sound old... "I remember the days..." jaysus!

Besides the sleeping/eating issue this week, we've managed to interview and decide upon a birth doula. I don't know if anyone is familiar with doulas but they are meant to help you through your labor, basically assisting you and your partner in whatever capacity that you need. Because I'm hoping to go 'natural' (a girl can always hope), having a doula increases the percentage likelihood of this happening in a variety of ways. If it's a long labor, it'll help M out as well, giving him a break every now and then too. I don't know why I got so set on doing things "naturally" but there you go. I guess maybe I want to know my body can do it.

Continuing on the same theme, we are meeting with 2 other couples from our childbirth class. They live in our neighborhood and you never know when you're going to need some support or even a babysitter or whatever. They are both due before we are but only a couple weeks. It'll be nice to know someone going through the same thing we are - as we don't have any friends in this stage of life.

So that's it. No much else happening. Oh yay, the sun is coming out. HALLELUJAH!

What a week!

First of all... I got to meet Ang and Colby! I have to say, I *love* when people say 'let's get together' and then THEY DO. It's not just "talk" and it happens. Don't get me wrong, I know things come up and sometimes it's impossible and I wouldn't hold that against anyone, but I truly love it when the stars and planets and people align and it clicks.

Ang and I emailed back and forth about maybe getting together while she was here for 10 days or so. We exchanged cell phone numbers and said 'let's see what we can do'. It truly couldn't have worked better for us. My mom was flying in later in the day on Saturday, we were in the process of cleaning our house (so it looked a bit cleaner than usual), and she called when we were at Costco so we picked up a couple quiches and asked them to meet at our place. Luckily for us, they weren't picky about what they had because they seemed to like the quiche and salad! lol

Delightful couple, I must say. I felt like I knew Ang already, through the various ways our paths crossed online and it was fun to put a face with the name. And no matter what anyone says about showing a different side online, the friendly outgoing side that I know of Ang was there in person as well. Colby I didn't know so much about but I have to say he was incredibly nice. Especially since he was probably wondering why he had to meet these old folks for lunch when he didn't even know them! lol He's one of those people who really looks at you when you're talking and I like that too. They were very cool and I'm glad they stopped by. I hope Ang was able to get a bit of shopping in downtown as well!

Besides that, my mom arrived on us for a few days, which was great. She's a great guest as she kind of does her own thing while we work during the day. And she made food, which we LOVE.
I seriously appreciate having a nice meal cooked and ready for me. M does it all the time so it was nice for him to get a break as well by having my mom cook. Yum! On top of that, she kind of served as the baby stuff advisor. M and I had a carseat and stroller picked out but she gave the thumbs up which motivated us to actually "purchase" the thing. She also helped get all sorts of gear for the wee one together - blankets, bibs, towels, etc. All that stuff you need. Thank god because I'm not sure I could've gotten it together to organize it. When I'm given an overwhelming task like that sometimes I just procrastinate. OK. I'll always procrastinate. The kid would've been arriving home in a pillowcase or something.. lol So that's all set.

Well, I'm off now.

Just call me 'chubby'

I look tired. That's all I can say about this photo. Tired. I don't feel too tired but maybe that day I did. (Obviously I don't get that way from cleaning my room, as you might notice my room is a pit if you were looking past me in the photo!)



All is well out here. We are keeping busy going out with our friends without kids (while they'll still see us!) and picking up the odd kids items from other friends. My mom is coming into town for a long weekend and we are hoping she'll motivate us to pick up some more odds and ends. I'm telling you, the amount of shite that you can buy for a bun is overwhelming. We strongly believe in second hand items but I'm guessing a little t-shirt can only be thrown up on so many times before it isn't any good any more! lol And we're not really fans of the hand-me-down carseat or stroller. Most people have these 4X4 pickup type strollers and we are NOT interested in that so we've been good and said no. Just because it's free doesn't mean we need to bring it home with us!

As for me, I'm still feeling good, most of the time. A little more tired than average but that's to be expected. Going to the gym in the morning still but the heart rate jumps up fast and I feel like I'm moving in slow motion to keep it down to the recommended beats per minute. But I'd rather go than not, it can only help me during labor - at least that's what I am telling myself. Plus, if I don't workout, I drag even more through the rest of my day. So, it's a necessity.

The bun is moving around like crazy, it's like having an almost perpetual upset stomach that you can't do anything about. But 'he' isn't keeping me up at night so that's good. And I'd much rather have him moving than not. But still... I'll be glad to have my body back.

Aside from all things child related, we have halted plans on our remodel. We got the first bid, so to speak, and we started to wonder if it was really worthwhile to change our lifestyles for the sake of some more space. Meaning, it cost enough to make us reconsider. lol We are batting around the idea of re-doing the current space we have, which would cost us considerably less and M could do a majority of the work.. Anyhow, like we don't have enough to think about, now we have that too! Fun, fun!

Oh, I just realized I better take off for my dental appt. I will write more later!! Cheers

Relief

Holy cow, only 10 more weeks. I can't believe how quickly time is going by during this pregnancy. Aside from a desire to sleep on my stomach again, it has been easy. I've been lucky. I know I've said this a hundred times before. I'll say it again. I feel blessed!

I had the 3 hr glucose test for gestational diabetes. It was a long day. Get into the lab at 7:30 with no coffee or food (since 10:30 the night before, not TOO bad) and get my blood drawn. Drink something similar to Sprite and sit down to wait. M came with me and we sat there reading and occasionally chatting. Every hour someone would look at me and say, 'it's time' and I'd go back and get my blood drawn again. By 10:30, it was over. I didn't feel as crappy as the first time I did it. I was all set to get a warm lunch but their cafeteria was in-between breakfast and lunch so I had to settle for cereal. Bah! By the time I got to my 11:00 appt with the midwife though, I figured it must've been good, as I only gained 1/2 a pound.

Not much happened at the appointment, we met our 3rd of 5 midwives in the group. She was pretty nice and answered all our questions but heck, that's their job! lol We go again in 3 weeks...

Other than the obvious impending birth of our child, we've been taking it easy. I have been anyhow. M is still working on the bedroom remodel and it's looking good. He should have it finished in time for my mom's visit in 2 weeks. We took a drive Saturday, looking at houses.
We are always looking even though we are planning on the remodel. You never know when you're going to get good ideas, or even when you're going to find something you like better.
We were driving through a rather populated area near the water and saw some open houses. New houses but we stopped anyway. They were brutal, who needs 4500 sq ft of living space, I ask you that? We continued on down the street and were looking at some stables and a couple farmhouses. I made M drive down to one of the farmhouses because it was gorgeous. Like something you'd see in the midwest (well, my tv version of the midwest) - wrap around porch, beautiful big lot. And there it was. The sign -For Sale By Owner. A little more than a stone's throw from the water (turns out it didn't have water access at the lot, but rather down the street). We fell in love with it. We called about it and she was showing it on Sunday. Ah heck, we went for a look. You couldn't beat the location or the house - it looked like something that belonged in the country and it was in the city. The woman selling it had the whole history - it had actually been moved from a location right next to the water back to this location. Needless to say, the walls we all cracked.. It was an odd house. At one hand you saw the potential but on the other hand, it wasn't a house you wanted to change too much. Too pretty. Too idyllic. Great price. After an hour of day dreaming, we left. It was not.quite.The.One. But it definitely turned our heads.

Rant

I know, I know. I haven't written in awhile. I'd be surprised if anyone is still checking up on here to see if there's a new post. I don't know why I've been so lazy, maybe, like my good friend Anonymous G, I just don't know why I'm posting anymore. My days are quiet and boring and I really don't want to bore everyone out there in blogland. Moreover, I bore myself right now. I guess I'm having the 29 week blahs or something.

Last Saturday night, we went out in search of the perfect Guinness yet again. Poor Irish hasn't had a decent pint since he's moved to this side of the pond. And frankly, he still hasn't. It's not like he drank the stuff that much in Ireland but, as he said, at least he knew if he went out and wanted a Guinness, there was a pretty good chance he knew a place that had a good one. There is a huge difference between a good pint/good pour and a bad one. In Ireland, it takes about 10-15 minutes to get your Guinness. Because we, as americans, like immediate gratification, finding a place that takes that long to serve you a beer is unheard of. The guinness loses it's creamy texture and sheer yumminess when it's poured like a Bud. Add that to cold and watery and it's just a bummer. Yes, we've found one place - thanks to my blogger buddy Joe we had some lovely Guinness while visiting NYC. But I find it a little expensive to fly out to NYC everytime the hubby needs his fix. I understand fixes. I always missed my tortilla chips and salsa while I was in Ireland. So, back to the story. We went out in search of Guinness and we stopped at about 4 pubs. There was some food involved ( I tend to nibble on appetizers so I can have a sip or two of the dark stuff) but there were a lot of pints. Poor Irish just isn't used to going out on the tear anymore. Let's just say he had a very rough Sunday, very, very, very rough. I'm pretty sure I heard him hack up a lung at one point. I don't miss those days. For once, I was very glad I was pregnant.

On the same day last weekend, we ate the world's best donuts. I don't even LIKE donuts usually but I have to say that these were absolutely gorgeous. If you ever come across a Top Pot donuts in your travels, stop in and have one. Oh gosh, I'm drooling just thinking of them....

Other moments this week, glucose testing for gestational diabetes. I took a 1 hr test and failed. Which means I have to go to the more extensive 3.5 hour test. This requires me to fast overnight, get up (without coffee or food) and go into the lab to have blood drawn. Then I get to drink a high sugar content drink and wait around for 3 hours while my blood is drawn once an hour. Ick. I feel really let down by my body, I have to say. I eat healthily, I workout, I don't drink soda, I drink 4 liters or so of water a day, I'd like to think that I would be able to handle a little sugar. But NOOOO. I feel very let down. I'm trying not to dwell because I've truly been lucky this whole pregnancy, not an ounce of morning sickness or any of the weird sh~t that people complain about. The fact that I still get to the gym every day and feel pretty good means a lot. If I have to watch my diet a bit because of this, I won't complain. But there's still that nagging feeling that my body should've been able to handle this. Sigh. Ah well. Hopefully I'll be able to handle the actual childbirth better than this! lol

Huh. I was going to rant about my job but it just doesn't seem like the right time now. It's Friday, after all, time to close up shop and head home. In my case, move away from my desk.
I have a lovely massage scheduled tomorrow so I'll probably forget all about my work rant by next week! You've been saved! :)

Quiet times

Finally, the weather has cooled off a notch or two. We can sleep again. Yay!

My mom was visiting last week for our birthdays. Mine is the day before hers and they both fell on the weekend, which was unusual. Because my whole life, I've probably gotten the party and the special dinner, and she's gotten the half eaten cake, etc, we decided to share the weekend. I would've loved to have given her both dinner out AND the cake but in my present state, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy either because I have to eat smaller portions. So we did cake on my day, dinner out on hers. I think she was okay with that. And I certainly was. Being a Leo, you know, it's all about ME! lol

I bought her one of those little paper hats that you get for a small child's birthday, that said "Birthday Princess" in pink with a little ruffle. She actually wore it all day, which was hilarious. We joked that people probably thought we had to check her out from the 'home' to see this lady in her mid-##'s wearing a child's tiara. We had gotten so used to it by dinner that when two men walked by the window of the restaurant and knocked on the glass and pointed at her mouthing Happy Birthday, we had no idea what they were talking about. Then we realized she was wearing the Birthday Princess hat and we all started laughing. It was sweet of them to wish her a happy day. I think she enjoyed it. Amongst other little gifts, we bought her a massage - it's so hard to buy for a parent, thinking of something that they might not do for themselves... I think we nailed it on the head with that one, she really loved it.

Interestingly enough, I got clothes. lol Irish bought me some cool maternity tops (which actually make me look more pregnant than I am - I think I'm in denial - lol) and some workout shorts. My mom bought me a realllllly soft fleecy type robe for when I have to get up in the middle of the night and feed the bun. It's gorgeous but unfortunately, the wrong size so I need to return it. She also got to satisfy herself by buying another baby outfit - she called it a layette - in yellow. Pretty cute.

Also, since she was here on the day of our 26 week appt, she came into the room with us when we saw the midwife. We had the best midwife yet, she was from the Isle of Man and had a great accent, and was the first one to acknowledge Irish in these appts. I mean, I know I'm the one that's pregnant and all but it would be nice to see anyone there be friendly to him. Well, it WAS nice. She was funny though and kept saying 'I promise we'll get to you' (to me) and then asking Irish some question about something... I had to laugh because it didn't bother me at all. She even asked my mom if this was her first grandchild... It's so nice when they have some personality - the medical staff. Unfortunately, she only works one day a week and is on call only one day a week as well, so the chance that she'd be delivering me is one in seven. Pretty slim. So next time we see a different midwife.

But I digress. So my mom was here for the appt and we all got the hear the heartbeat, really strong. I actually lost a pound, which was due to the fact that I've been watching what I eat more carefully (don't worry, I've gained 18 so the baby isn't starving). Of course, I felt like I had to explain myself when secretly I was happy that I was no longer gaining out of control. At this point, the bun is just meant to be putting on weight but even then I should only gain a pound a month. If I can keep it to a minimum, I'd be happy. Twenty five pound gain should be more than adequate.

(Oh god, I just realized this blog has become about my pregnancy. I'm sooo sorry. There IS more to me, there IS! Uh, let me think of something... lol)

One more thing, we got a call the other day, some man speaking a foreign language. He called no less than 7 times, probably more. Now, I don't know about you but if I dial the wrong number, I *may* call one more time, thinking I pushed the wrong number in there. But not SEVEN times. Irish finally told him to 'f#$% off' and surprisingly, he didn't call again. lol

That's all. I'm truly sorry at how boring this post is. I promise some excitement next time. And less pregnancy talk.

I'm MELTING....

I've just realized what the worst part of working from home is... no A/C. The best part of that, I can take cold showers all day if I want to. And eat ice cream. Well, Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches (only 140 cal).

The weather has been unusually warm lately. We went across the state this weekend to my home town and the hottest temp we ran into - 111 degrees (that's 44 degrees to those of you downunder). Fortunately, most of the time it was 103 and thank god we have a/c in our car. We did the drive in about 5 hours, stopped for lunch in hickville in a lovely air conditioned building. It took about 30 minutes on the road before I started to feel like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Remember she ballooned up to the size of a big blueberry or something like that? Yeah, that's how I felt shortly after lunch. We had to stop in another exceeding small town in hickville, wa so that I could buy some... ahem.. gas-relieving tablets.. and walk it off, so to speak. It was PAINFUL. And 105 degrees there, so that was a lot of fun.

Upon arriving at our cute little boutique hotel with air conditioning, we collapsed for a nap and barely woke up in time to walk to the first reunion event. Actually, I had a really good time. I talked to alot of people - mostly the women for some reason, which I'm still wondering about. I didn't seek out to chat with too many men. Irish was a great sport and I parked him down with a few 'spare parts' as they called themselves, while the girls and I wandered around chatting with everyone. I couldn't believe it but we stayed for 5 hours. I saw people I hadn't seen in.. well, 20 years... most of them I hadn't seen in that long. I hadn't even been to my hometown in 10 years.
It was exhausting too, let me tell you. All that chat about nothing. I don't think I know much more than the following items about my fellow classmates:
1. They have all been married at least 10 years.
2. Many have at least 3 kids (which surprised me, really) and quite a few have twins.
3. The women have aged MUCH better than the men.

Let's see, I guess that's it. After all that, this was the information that was imparted. Most could not tell I was pregnant and there was not another single girl there in my 'season of life' - I guess you could say. Most had their kids young.

The next day, Irish and I took a walk through the park, before the heat of the day appeared. My hometown was host to the 1974 World's Fair Expo, so they have a lovely riverfront park. We wandered around and took breaks in the shade and it was nice to see how some things never change. After that, we drove out to my old 'hood, saw my old house, which I'd lived in for 15 years. What a nice neighborhood it was, I have to say. We drove up the hill to where the rich kids lived and I was shocked by the amount of new homes going in. And cheap. (Not that I'd ever live there but it was definitely cheap!) Finally we drove out to Couer d'Alene, Idaho - used to be a sleepy lake/beach town but it was hopping on what must have been the hottest day of the year so far. We had lunch and stuck our tootsies in the lake for a while, then ran as fast as we could back to our air conditioned hotel for another nap.

The second event on Saturday evening was a dinner/dance. There were a few different people here but mostly the same crowd. The nice part was that you could actually sit down and have a chat with whomever was at your table. I sat with a girl I'd known since pre-pre-school days and another girl I'd known since the 6th grade. Catching up with them was very cool. I'd love to keep in touch with them but you know how that goes.. Again we stayed for about 5 hours and I talked to many people. I was so relieved to go home though. It truly is exhausting. Some people haven't changed a bit (personality-wise) which is unfortunate. The same people hung out with the same people they did in high school. I can only wonder though, can you really like those same people or is it just BECAUSE they knew you then that you gravitate towards them. I tried to talk to everyone, mostly because I am a completely different person now than I was then. But you could definitely see the cliques forming, which was an interesting vision. I'm glad I'm home.

Now I can see why they only do that once every 10 years, any sooner would be far too much.

Embarrassing story #5,923,233

Ok, not my embarrassing story. But too funny to pass up. I asked Irish if I could mention it here and he said no problem.

So we bought a couple webcams. One for us and one for Irish's sister. The idea is to be able to transmit video and photos of the bun or even talk using the computer. I had set it up on my work computer and tested the microphone and ear piece. We set up the other one on the other laptop to test before L went home.

I don't know if you all know how this works but being as most of you have been in long distance relationships, you probably do. I use Yahoo Messenger to connect and then 'Invite the person to view my webcam'. Then the other person uses Yahoo Messenger to connect and Invites me to view their webcam. And then we chat or call and we can see each other while we are talking. It can be fun.

So, in my first attempt to invite Irish to view my webcam, I accidently clicked on my parent's messenger account. I didn't think anything of it, because I figured if my dad or mom accepted, they'd just see me sitting there, nothing big. Right after that, I clicked on Irish's login name and he accepted my connection. But unfortunately, we couldn't get the microphone working so I went into the other room to work on his computer. He was goofing off and the next thing I knew, he was flashing his boy bits at me on the camera on my computer!!! I said, 'uh. I think my parents might be viewing that..' and the next moment the camera was turned towards the wall and poor Irish was curled on the couch in embarrassment!

A bit later I connected again and my dad was online. I chatted with himself and my mom. My dad made a comment/joke (I can't remember what it was) that could've possibly meant that he saw something he shouldn't have but it could've easily been innocuous. We chatted about 10 minutes and got offline.

Poor Irish spent the evening wracked with embarrassment. In fact, we couldn't look at each other without bursting into laughter at the thought that my parents might've seen the Irish jewels! Of course he blames me but I told him *I* wouldn't have gone flashing my bits at any camera, I just would've gone in the other room and done it to him in person!

The house to myself....

I have an afternoon free... ahhhhhhh.... let's see, what did I do? spent a nice long hour at the gym, came home and took a nice cold shower (it's pretty warm here right now), made myself a lovely salad... earlier I did a bit of cleaning... it's so nice. Irish took his sister to do a harbor cruise, which was nice of him. He hadn't been before and I had, so I decided to take a little time for myself. Three weeks is a little long to entertain someone, especially when she doesn't seem so inclined to do much herself. It's the complete opposite of when our last guests were here - they took care of themselves and when we planned something, they seemed to enjoy it. M's sister doesn't like to ride in the car very long (that leaves out a bunch of cool places to see in this area as most are at least an hour away), she doesn't eat very exotically (can't take her out to dinner because it's hard to find plain chicken, pizza with no cheese, salmon with no sauce...), and she only wants to shop (we both hate shopping, as you may remember). Don't get me wrong, I really like her, she's a nice girl but as we've both commented, there's not a wonder that she's still single at 41 because she's a bit.too.much.work. We are looking forward to having our own space back.

Tomorrow we are having an ultrasound. We decided to do it because our new midwive suggested it. Just to see how the bun is developing. I feel him a bit more these days, although Irish hasn't felt him since that first day.. don't know if I mentioned it but it was right after partaking of a Reese's PB cup.. the little one was doing a tap dance or something. It was pretty cool but most of the time it just feels like gas. lol I still feel great, I still am going to the gym and I started a pre-natal yoga class. THAT feels really good. I hope I can keep them both up because I think it really alleviates the aches/pains and well, it keeps my mood up. Now if I could just stop gaining so much weight! lol (oh wait, I'm *supposed* to do that!)

Work is going great. I'm really enjoying working from home. I know I work more than I would if I was in the office... When I went there in mid June, I managed to head out for smoke breaks (they smoked, I just chat and wave the smoke away from myself) with the group at least 10 times a day (at 10-15min a shot, that's a lot of wasted day). Now, I don't ever get stopped in the hall or the kitchen when I'm getting coffee and shoot the breeze for a few minutes. And I almost never get people coming to my desk and talking to me either. So I probably work more than I would if I were there. Which is fine. I want to keep the job so I'm making sure they have no reason to wonder why they hired me!

My high school reunion is in a couple weeks. TWENTY years. Jaysus. I didn't think I'd ever get to be THIS age. lol I pretty much hated high school so I didn't go to the 10 year. But I'm looking forward to seeing some of the people. If nothing else, I'll get to show Irish the town I grew up in and never want to live in again. I've already re-connected with some friends from that era, it'll be fun to see them in person. And if nothing else, it'll be a lovely night out with my favorite man. :))

Pregnancy rant

Well, not really a rant per se.. Or maybe it is.

I've become addicted to pregnancy message boards. I read iVillage's and another called Babyfit, that has a good calorie counter so I can see how many calories I'm overindulging on. What constantly amazes me is that not one person has any of the minimal issues I have and not one person mentions what an amazingly easy pregnancy they're having. I'd love to see that. Maybe I should be the first.

All the typical ailments associated with pregnancy... I don't have 'em. Aside from a backache when I sit too long (not a big deal), a dull ache on the right side of my upper ribs and a fluttering right next to that achy spot, I feel good. I'm not complaining, I'm so happy that I haven't been bothered by a lot of the issues that the girls on those sites have. I'm truly blessed. But as it is with those boards, you go there for support and I guess I'd like some support for those of us who don't have problems. Because the fact that I don't have any problems, makes me feel like there must be a BIG one. lol

I spend the 30 or so days between appointments waiting for the next one so I can hear the little heartbeat. I'm patiently waiting for a kick or two to let me know things are as they should be... I don't worry that I'm behind the rest of the world (at least, I don't think I'm worried.. I'm certainly aware). I know I need to break the addiction to the message boards, certainly it's not helping at all. But I keep thinking that eventually, someday, there will be a girl on there with few issues and I'll be able to say "me too". And then we'll both get blasted by the general population and have to slink out of the room quietly. lol

Ok, that's my rant. On a happy note, because I like to end things how I feel, the weather is fantastic in town today and for the last few days and for the coming week. Maybe, for once, we'll have a clear and sunny 4th of July.

Working hard or hardly working?

I don't think this photo really does my view justice. Suffice it to say, I don't have a hard time sitting at my desk and looking out at the water. Not hard at all. It helps that I don't have a phone yet, so my electronic leash only extends as far as the laptop. I can move around all over the house, then come back to check and see if I've received any email. It's kind of nice. I'm trying to be good and conscientious, irish can't believe that I actually stay at my desk til 6pm. He's constantly inviting me to go for a walk or something during the middle of the day. I have to say 'uh.. i'm WORKing' and that sort of thing. I figure if I'm good now, I won't get questioned as much later, if I decide to take a long lunch or something. I don't want anyone wondering what I'm doing and why I'm getting paid this much to do it, I want to contribute and let everyone know I'm here!

Besides work, not much else has changed. Irish's sister will be visiting in less than a week. That should be interesting. I'm glad I'm working because she's a shopper and will want to go shopping. Irish will have "fun" doing that. I head back to Nor Cal for an overnight trip next week and we have our 22 week appointment at the doctor. Frankly, I find the appointments pretty routine, I guess we just don't have a lot of questions. All they do is take my BP and weigh me.. I keep hoping something else will happen but I guess that's off in the future sometime. We are meeting with a midwife this time, I just haven't been so thrilled with my OB and when they conveniently called to reschedule, I suggested that I'd been wanting to talk to a midwife. So, we'll see if there's any difference or just an extension of the medical side of birthing. The HMO I'm with seems pretty pro 'natural birth', low C-section rates, blah-de-blah-de-blah but it IS a medical facility so who knows what they'll be pushing.. Can you tell I've actually been reading?
I know all the moms out there will probably say the same thing my mom did "TAKE THE DRUGS" and in all honesty, I will probably need them but I'd like to go in thinking that I will try every possibility to suffer..erm..do it naturally. I don't really know my tolerance for pain since I've never really been hurt... I'll probably end up being a wuss... But it's worth a try...

Ok, before you nod off, I'll close this post and visit again soon when something exciting happens. lol

lovin' it

I just got paid for 2 weeks of goofing off. Pretty much. As you may have read in the last entry, I read a bit of documentation and "got used to" working the hours of 9-6. And then I got paid for it! Right on!

Last Sunday I had to fly to the Bay Area for work. I went on Sunday because my brother was going to be there. He's not one to travel to visit his family but he DOES visit online motorcycle friends and help them replace their motorcycle engines. If family happens to be around, he'll see us. lol Seriously, it's true. And no, I'm not bitter. lol But actually, I'm glad I made the effort (like I wouldn't) because it was the nicest time I've spent with him in years. It was just him (no wife, no kid, no computer to contend with) and we actually had a lovely conversation. It's only been a year since I've seen him but seemed like much longer since I've actually talked to him.

I had at least 3 mexican meals in the 4 days I was there... yum, yum. I'm convinced that it's just too far over the border up here in Seattle, that's why there isn't any good mexican food. With that theory though, you'd think there'd be a lot more great Canadian food. (What is that exactly?) Besides that, I visited with a couple friends and I fit right back into my old office like I'd never left (it's been 5 years). Although the department has doubled since I was there, I know everyone and it feels like a family. It's pretty cool. Still... I'm glad to be working from home (a bit too much chocolate available whenever I want it).

I got home on Wednesday night and have been trying to settle into working. I haven't had a lot to do yet but I imagine once we figure out exactly what my role is, it'll work out. In the meantime, I like working from the couch, or the deck, or my office. I like taking a break out and talking to my friend that is visiting from the Bay Area. I especially love looking out my window at the view when I should be working. Maybe next week when the kitchen is clean, I'll show you a photo of my view....

For now though, you just get a shot of the 20 week belly.

Not sure what there is to say

I started work this week. I can see this is going to be tough, disciplining myself to keep working when I am used to making my own schedule. This week, during work hours, I went to my personal trainer and had a massage (that took up 5 hours because I had to drive about 30 minutes each way and then wait 'over there' because the girl doing the massage wasn't available for an hour after my training session. I didn't want to drive 30 minutes home just to go back a half an hour later.). Then the next day, I had a long lunch date with an old high school friend, again 30 minutes drive out to meet her and a hour and a half lunch. It's weird because when I used to work in the office, I would sometimes take hour and a half lunches and it didn't bother me. But I felt a bit guilty this week, even though I don't really have anything to do at the moment. I won't be scheduling so much in the future but I can see it's going to be hard going back to that line of thinking... that my hair appts have to be in the evenings or weekends, that my yoga class needs to start as late as possible, that I have to get to the gym before my 9am start time.... On the other hand, I'm getting paid. Always a good thing. And I'm getting a salary that's probably higher than anything I can get in Seattle. And all I have to do is sit home and answer calls and emails with the occasional run out to a property to solve a hardware issue that can't be fixed over the phone. Not such a bad trade off, is it? As with most things, it's the change that takes the most getting used to, the newness of something. I'm sure in a few weeks, when I've gotten into the swing of things and I'm answering calls and emails from the comfort of my sunny deck, I'll be fine. Don't cry for me, Argentina. I'll be okay. lol

I gotta meet risiblegirl, I gotta meet risiblegirl...

I seem to think I'm some sort of champ, having actually met 4 people that I 'met' online... Risiblegirl is my latest and I have to say, she's pretty darn cute. We met for a mexican lunch during her lunch hour and she's just like her blog. Friendly, chatty, smart and pretty. I can't wait til we get together along with Anonymous G because I know they'll LOVE each other. :)) (Having met both, I'm the expert, right?) lol RG, I hope we get to see you and hubby sometime soon, thanks for meeting up!

So, other than that, I started work this week. Because it was sooner than expected, there isn't much for me to do yet. In fact, they're still working out the details of my job. But I had some reading to do and I think I managed to sit down for two hours and concentrate but that was all I could manage. I think working at home could be dangerous! In an attempt to acclimate before I actually have to sit in my home office, I have gotten up early (6:30am) and headed for the gym by 8am (job starts at 9). I haven't quite made it home by the 9am start time but since there isn't a lot for me to do, no one seems to notice. But I'm working on it. I haven't done this work thing in awhile and getting back into the swing of things is going to be a challenge. Just getting a home office set up should be interested as eventually the whole house will be a work zone. But they've sent me a printer and a docking station and a flat screen monitor, so I guess I need to make it look like I'm actually working! Might help a bit if Irish left the house for work but it's so easy to chat with him and have lunch with him and do.. other..things (blush!) with him during the workday... We'll see how all this goes. Have a great weekend everyone!

Disappointing photos...

We finally developed our photos from the cruise. For whatever reason, I don't think we captured the beauty of Alaska... it could have been the dull days - bad light - there just wasn't the contrast that there was in real life. I'll post a few here and see what I can do about the others.

Tracy Arm Fjord


Bald Eagle


Tracy Arm Fjord


Our train to White Pass


There's more.. on the other computer.. I haven't edited them yet. They might show a bit more of the majesty of the Tracy Arm Fjord. Sheer granite faces and this narrowing path between them that somehow our giant ship was able to not only able to manuever through but turn around in. The driving of that vessel was a thing of beauty, I have to say.

Besides that, I just want to mention that I am once again employed. My old boss (re: friend) hired me to work for her again. She basically created a position for me because she wanted to hire me back. And she's paying me way more than people make in this position in Seattle. I can't complain! I get to work from home (good and bad points) and I get to stay mostly local. Now, having said that, I have to go to PA in 2 weeks for 3 days and again a week later for a day. But other than that... it's pretty sweet!

On an very exciting note, I get to meet Risiblegirl tomorrow. I hope I don't call her that. lol

Back home, no photos yet

Just a quick note to let you all know we made it back safely. I think Irish and I are still reeling in wonder from the fact that we agreed to go on a cruise and found it to be exactly as we expected. Not to say that the scenery wasn't fantastic and the food plentiful, that our Irish friends weren't terrific to travel with, because they were and it was. What made two world travelers who searched out exotic faraway places on the cheap, steered away from tourist traps (for the most part, because really, Machu Picchu is a bit of a tourist trap) and other Americans because we wanted a different perspective... what made us go on a cruise is still mind-boggling to us... and I think it's going to take a week or so to recover...

I have a few photos but they are on the other computer and not uploaded yet. I promise to work on that today because it's dreary and wet outside and it seems like the perfect day to do this!

6 months in a leaky boat...

Well, not exactly. Try 7 days on a cruise ship. Not quite the same thing. We are heading out tonight to Alaska - the ship sails at 10pm. We are a little concerned about the sheep-like quality of a vacation such as this but hopefully, it won't be so bad. We've never done an organized style trip and it'll be interesting to see if we like it. But with the beautiful vistas of glaciers in the background and icebergs in the foreground (hopefully not too close!), I'm sure we can ignore the rest of it. lol Don't worry.. there will be many photos - with M's camera and our digital (charging the batteries as we speak and bringing the charger with us!) - we should have some beauty to behold.

So, that's it. I just wanted to let you all know... you get a break from checking in here until next Sunday or so... Have a great week and I'll catch up with you all later! Cheers!

Every day just gets better

Gosh, I'm so happy. Honestly. I feel blessed every day and it feels good! I was at the gym today, listening to a song I used to listen and RELATE to

Have You Seen Me Lately
by The Counting Crows

Get away from me, just get away from me
This isn't gonna be easy
But I don't need you
Believe me

You got a piece of me
But it's just a little piece of me
And I don't need anyone
These days
I feel like I'm fading away

Like sometimes when I hear myself on the radio
Have you seen me lately?
Have you seen me lately?

I was out on the radio starting to change
Somewhere out in America, it's starting to rain
Could you tell me the things you remember
About me
And have you seen me lately?

I remember me
And all the little things that make up a memory
Like she said she loved to watch me sleep
Like she said: "It's the breathing, it's the breathing in and out and in and..."
Have you seen me lately?

I was out on the radio starting to change
Somewhere out in America it's starting to rain
Could you tell me the things you remember
About me
And have you seen me lately?

I thought that someone would notice
I thought somebody would say something
If I was missing
Can't you see me?
Come on color me in
Come on color me in
Give me your blue rain
Give me your black sky
Give me your green eyes
Come on give me your white skin
Come on give me your white skin
Come on give me your white skin

I was out on the radio starting to change
Somewhere out in America, it's starting to rain
Could you tell me the things you remember
About me
And have you seen me lately?
Have you seen me lately

And I thought how different my life is now, how absolutely different I feel and I'm grateful for that. Sometimes I think if I'd actually ended my life the two or three times I thought about it, I wouldn't have been as blessed to have all the amazing things that are happening to me now.

But I digress... We've had houseguests since Saturday night - a lovely couple that we really enjoy. We've been doing the touristy things again - taking the ferry, visiting the Pike Place Market, enjoying the sunshine. They took off for a few days to Vancouver, BC and then Saturday night we leave for our cruise to Alaska! I can't believe it's already here and I'm getting excited about it. We're having phenomenal weather and I can only hope that it stays and travels with us up the coast!

Besides that, it's getting to be that time.... my 20-year high school reunion. I never thought I'd want to go, certainly when I was in high school, I had no desire to see alot of those people again but now there's plenty I want to see. I'm looking forward to it. I've actually contacted a couple people through email, just to find out how they are doing and WHAT they are doing. I'm looking forward to showing M where I grew up as well.

Finally, M got his green card approval today!! Without an interview!!! I guess they do that for some people (I don't know the criteria but we'll take it) and so he should have it sometime next week!! We are thrilled although it doesn't mean much other than he can live here legally, which he was already doing. Hopefully it'll make leaving the country (and coming back) easier. Sigh... it's soooo good! Yay!

A few thoughts on my current situation

We heard the bun again, a couple days ago. The doc used a doppler to listen to the heartbeat and this time, there it was. Can I say again how cool that is? Especially when I feel so good, so not pregnant, it reminds us when we hear the heartbeat that in another 6 months we're going to have a baby. We still look at each other occasionally and giggle - yes, giggle - because, well probably because we don't know exactly how much it's going to change our lives. Holy shit.

Then I get frustrated because this is the first thing I talk about but it's not the first thing I want people to associate with me. I've been an individual for so long - a friend, a girlfriend, a wife (well, not that long), a skier, a softball player, a traveler, a hiker, a network administrator, a reader, a goofball. I truly don't want my conversation to be focused on the bun and only the bun. Sometimes I have to catch myself and switch the conversation because I've gone on too long. I don't want to dissolve into one of those people whose role as 'mom' becomes their only role. Which isn't to say I'm not somewhat excited about my new role, it's just to say it's not *only* who I am. You know?

K. 'nuff of that. We are dog sitting this week. My friend left her 13-year old retriever with us. Gosh, she's hard work. I think she's been laying on the floor unmoving for the past 2 hours. lol We have to wake her up occasionally to see if she's alive. She's a pet. She won't move if you call her name, you usually have to stamp hard on the floor to get her attention but boy if she doesn't hear the plastic rustling when you open the english muffin bag, or when you are peeling a banana or pouring milk into your coffee. She's right there looking at you, hoping you'll drop something, anything. If you are eating and she's been looking at you for 15 minutes and you haven't looked her way, she'll put her head on your lap and stare up at you. It's a bit disconcerting. But she's 13!! You just can't teach an old dog new tricks, and frankly, we just don't want to. If you give her some of whatever you're eating though, she'll vacuum it in and then look at you for more. It's not like she even tastes it, or appreciates it, or has a bit and leaves you alone. Nope, if you gave her some, she's hoping you'll give her more. Sigh. But we love her to death. We love having her here. I keep hoping for a dog but really, this tired old dog is probably all we need.

Lucky me

I just returned from my last trip to Southern California (for work, that is). I was lucky enough, in my three days there, to see the lovely Anonymous G again. And her sweet man. They invited me up for a wonderful home cooked meal and we had a great chat. These are good people!

I *did* feel a bit like the John Goodman character in Monsters, Inc though. You know, the big fuzzy monster next to Billy Crystal's little guy? G is so petite - I felt like a serious gargantuan next to her! lol (Sure, it doesn't help being a few months pregnant but I'm not even big yet from that so I have no excuse!) I have to be sure I don't crush her with my hugs when I leave! LOL

Anyhow, that's all I have time for right now. I just wanted to say how happy and blessed I was to get to see her and her hubby again and hope I get to meet the rest of you, sometime and someplace.

We saw the bun!! We saw the bun!!

I don't know what this looks like to you, but having had the finer points shown to us, it completely looks like a baby bun to us. I had an ultrasound today, just to check out and make things are going okay, and it looks like they are! I see a head and arms and legs and a nose, etc. The bun was moving all over the place (must've been that coffee I had before I went for the u/s) - doing a little dance, so to speak. Irish and I were in awe, dumbstruck. (Well, he was a bit hungover from last night's meeting of the social group we are in, so it could have been something else that was making him pale.... lol) It all feels MUCH more real than it EVER has up to this point... JAY-sus!

Anyhow, other than that, we've had a good week at home. I finally finished one of my contracts (the next finishes next week) and it's a great feeling to finally be done! Now I can play for the whole month of May while our houseguests are here (you may be asking yourself, was she ever actually working? i thought she'd been playing the whole time!). My old boss is looking into hiring me for a permanent position up here - I wouldn't have to travel (my only no-no) - we'll see what happens with that.

Last night we went out with our social group (a local group we met online) and we met an interesting couple who spent last year in Zimbabwe. Is that cool, or what? We had a long chat with them and actually met quite a few other people... It's kind of nice to get to know some people better. Again, I would've loved a glass of wine (just one!) but I enjoyed my virgin bloody mary and my water. really. i did. (oh bun! the sacrifices I do for you! (i know, i know, it's just starting....))

Another day...another dollar....

Here I am, travelling again, this time in Irvine. Talk about a cultural wasteland! Office building after office building after office building... Still, I'm here for 2 days, teaching my class. My good friend is meeting up with me tonight and we're going out! I'm going to force her to drink margaritas, just because I can't! I'm sure she won't mind.

I'm getting a bit tired of this travelling thing. It's really my fault though. I told my employer I'd only do this contract if I could finish by the end of April. That required me to travel every two weeks. Which in theory doesn't seem too bad, until you're doing it. I wanna be home with my hubby! Waaaah!

Ok, I'm done with that.

The plans have been made. We are taking a cruise to Alaska. I don't know if I mentioned that we are having houseguests in May. Friends from Ireland. They wanted to go to Alaska for a week long cruise and we finally decided to go. I was hesitant since I can't drink... (what if it rains the whole time, what'll I do then??? lol) but I decided we should go. I think it'll be fun and it'll certainly be beautiful. Who knows what we'll do when the bun is born? We might stop travelling. Or not. I might shrivel up and die if we stop travelling. (Let me just note here that travelling for fun and travelling for work are two COMPLETELY different things and while I don't really like travelling for work, travelling for fun is a necessity! I just wanted to clear that up in case you were confused!)

So that's all for now. I'm going to my hotel and I'm going to take a nap before my friend arrives. I promise to write something more interesting next time.

Can you say 'SURPRISE'???

Just kidding... it's not really a surprise. I mean, if you have unprotected sex with your husband, eventually it's going to happen. Well, hopefully it's going to happen. If that's what you want. Which we did. We think. We are still recovering from the results. Of the pregnancy test. That said that yes, we definitely ARE going to have a little bun. (That's what M calls it, as in 'bun in the oven') Oh, did I mention we are going to have a kid??

And we were just talking about how a dog would tie us down to the house, which is why we weren't going to get one anytime soon! Suddenly, the dog isn't such an issue. lol

We've been spending the last 3 weeks getting used to the idea. Telling family only and a few friends on a need-to-know basis. You know, when you have a reputation for being a drinker, people tend to look at you funny and ask if you're pregnant when you don't drink. I didn't realize exactly HOW big my reputation as a drinker was! lol I know most people wait a while to tell people but when we started telling virtual strangers that we were, I knew it was going to be okay to start telling my friends.

So that's my post for the day. Just thought I'd share that little tidbit of news. Little tidbit is right, did you know the bun is just the size of a piece of rice at this point? Weird.

Bundled up with nowhere to go...

Ooooie! We got home from Vancouver, BC last night and the house smelled a bit. Like oil. Needless to say, something has gone wrong and we had to shut off the furnace. Brrrrrrr.... We're getting it fixed today but until then, I freeze my tootsies off. I'm the only one whose cold. Our house guests are fine, I guess since they are from Ireland, this is normal. M is always warmer than me. I'm just sitting here looking at my breath (ok, in fairness, it's not quite THAT cold) and waiting for the brilliant man to fix things. Thank god he can!

So, yep, we went to BC overnight. It's about a 3 hour drive from here. Since I'm American, I've never had to stop at the border. Since I have a husband who's changing status and two Irish friends in the car, we had to get out. We thought for a minute that M wouldn't be able to get in. The Canadian immigration guy started out a little gruff. We figured out that he was just trying to make sure M could get back IN to the States. Since we hadn't used our Advanced Parole paperwork (the US calls it 'advanced parole' as if being in America was like being in prison) (ooh, Bush is going to read that and arrest me for not being a patriot!!!! lol) before, it was all a new experience. As nice as the Canadian guy ended up being, there was a line of about 12 people and only one person working. Well, originally there were two but the girl went back and finished working on something else while we all stood there waiting for her to finish. We felt sorry for the crowd behind us because our guy had to call US immigration for a few minutes and make sure we had everything. When he came back 10 minutes later, he was much friendlier and I even begged for a stamp in my passport which he gave me crap about and then did anyway. :) When we finally went on our way, he was still the only guy working and the other 12 people were still standing there waiting.

We got to Vancouver and found our hotel, headed out to an area called Gastown looking for an irish pub. We had a quick bite, then us two couples split up and agreed to meet for dinner. M and I walked through the drug/prostitute infested neighborhood surrounding the irish pub to arrive at a chinese garden. They were closing so we asked if we could go in for the remaining 3 minutes and have a look around. It was gorgeous - this temple in the middle of the city - but I don't know if I would've paid the CN$8.75 to spend some time there. We continued around Chinatown which unfortunately, we wanted to compare to Chinatown in SF, when there truly is no comparison. There were the odd things for sale and the little bits and bobs in every Chinatown. We enjoyed walking around but it wasn't as fun as SF. We continued walking - Vancouver is a lovely city (especially if you avoid the druggy area) - right on the water with the mountains to the north. It reminded us both of La Paz, Bolivia or Santiago, Chile - the way the city and tall apartment buildings are right up against the mountains...

For dinner, I took them to Kobe which is like Benihana. It's a Japanese style restaurant where they cook the food right in front of you, the guy does all sorts of fancy moves with the knives and stuff. It's a fun experience and they loved it. The food was gorgeous and aside from the two wet blankets who were seated with us, (they usually try to put 8 people together at a table so some are strangers) we loved it. We wandered around Robson which is the main shopping drag and looked into the shops. I was surprised at how much it is like a European city rather than a US city. It reminded me a lot of Auckland, NZ - with the british influence in the stores and the clothes etc.

Yesterday we spent the day wandering the seafront and then drove back home. The stop at the border was an hour long this time but Irish did manage to get back in. There was a lot of paperwork so we had plenty of time to watch and listen to the guy next to us, who was getting refused to allow coming into the US. Now I don't know if he *knew* he was getting refused but he was giving the immigration guy attitude. All I could think was if I was trying to get *in* somewhere, I certainly wouldn't be talking to the person who could let me in like this guy was talking to the other guy. Maybe they'd been waiting awhile and he was irritated. But it seemed like it certainly couldn't help the situation.

So, I better get up and make some coffee. Typing this hasn't warmed me up at all so I'm thinking I better move around, put some socks and gloves on, and get going. I wish I had some photos of Vancouver but for some strange reason (maybe because we knew the batteries wouldn't work), we didn't bother to bring the camera!

Back from the walking dead..

Actually, I've been healthy for a few days now. I've started back up at the gym full time. I'm feeling MUCH better. Which is good. Since we have friends from Ireland visiting since Wednesday night. St Patricks Day was interesting... I mean, I've never thought about what the Irish might think of our version of the holiday.... they couldn't believe that the "Irish" pubs charged for entrance.... moreso the lines out the door at the place we were going to go. They wouldn't wait, which was probably fine, because we went to a great place in downtown Seattle and had a ball. We sat down about 3 and didn't leave until 10 that night. You can imagine the craic that was had - after many pints of Guinness and G&Ts - singing, the lot. They were having a limerick contest in the pub - we wrote about 5 of them and at least bribed the judges with a $1 and won second place, which gave us a $100 gift certificate to the place for dinner! I'll post the limerick here...

There once was a comedian named Mike
Who censored what the Irish did write
Oh the ....
and what capped it all
They bribed him to win on the night

Oh hell. I can't remember that bit. Typical of me, forgetting the punchline.... I can remember my phone number from when I was a kid and I can remember my friends numbers from 20 years a go, birthdays of strangers, etc.... but I can't remember something we did two nights ago....

Suffice it to say, we won. It was a wonderful night!

Sick, tired and TGIF

I haven't been here this week because I've been on the road and sick. I had to start back up at my first contract, so I've been going out for a few hours a day, then I come home and collapse in exhaustion. I was so excited because I got to the gym on Saturday last week, and then by Sunday afternoon I was starting to feel sick. It never fails. The minute I finally get my butt in gear to get back to the gym (and believe me, it was a struggle this time) and I immediately get sick. I went to the gym again on Monday but have been taking it easy since. It's to bed by 8-8:30 each night and finally today I am feeling considerably better. Still tired but better.

We have been watching the weather lately and hoping for snow. My girl friend is so excited for some snow, we planned to walk through it "if it snowed" and have hot chocolate at her house after the walk. It didn't snow but it's good to know we have a plan.... The weather has been random, as it can only be in Seatt1e in March, so one minute it's raining and the next the sun is shining full force. We noticed a couple daffodils finally bloomed near our front door on Monday morning, only to be shivering in the cold (and inexplicably twisted around each other, maybe to keep warm?) by Wednesday. Poor things. They were just hoping for spring.

We have our first houseguests from Ireland arriving on Wednesday, just in time for St Paddy's Day - there's going to be some boozing in our house that night. And quite possibly the next. And the next.. and the next... and possibly before that night too! lol

Hopefully I'll feel a bit better this weekend and have something more interesting to say. Just wanted to let you all know where I'd been. Cheers!

I think we're in love....

come on, you remember it, the Eddie Money song from the 80s.... (except he said, 'I think I'm in love' and really, it wasn't a very *good* song so I don't blame you for not remembering. anyhow, i'm referring to the car right now....

so sunday morning, after I picked up my friends from the airport and dropped them off at home, irish and i looked at each other and said.....

"So, do we need to go to the store today? maybe we could go to the one in Spokane (which is 350 miles across the state)"

...just so we could drive the car. :)

Instead, we hopped in the car and drove to Sn0qualm1e Falls, about 40 minutes away.



It didn't look quite like this - not as much water flowing, but it was pretty cool all the same and we did a short hike that went straight down at what seemed like a 60 degree decline. I should have taken my own photos but this one is probably better anyway. It was absolutely stunning. When we walked to the bottom, we were looking at it and a man told us that the Native Americans believe that the mist coming off the water where the fall hits are the souls of their dead ancestors.... Makes you look at things another way then, doesn't it?

Well, we've done it

After much negotiation and a lot of research on Irish's part, we've agreed to purchased a new car. I know, I know... if you're like me, you're wondering what we are doing wasting money on a new car.... which is why this process has taken us over a month to agree to. We both swore we'd never get a new car, we both swore we'd never get a black car (having had them before and knowing the work it entails keeping it clean), we both swore we weren't those kind of people who spent huge amounts of money for no good reason.... now we are those people.

We've justified it a thousand different ways. Currently, we both have 2 seaters. I have the M1ata; Irish bought a truck that has the little jumpseats in the back. It was a little tough carrying my parents around in that when they visited last year. We knew we needed something that would at least allow us room for 4. We wanted something that we could carry a dog in, because that's on our list of things to do this year (I just reread that and it sounds like owning a dog is just something you check off the list. that's not what I meant at all!). For Irish, this is a dream come true. He's never owned a new car - in his last job, the bank provided vehicles, like they often do in european countries, it seems. This is one of his 'dream cars'. He's tickled to bits!

Our other rationalization - well, HIS, really - is that he's still thinking in euro terms this year. This car he's getting costs 60k euro in 1reland, here it's half that price. He knows that probably by next year, after being in the US awhile, it won't seem cheap anymore... ah, there's so many reasons. Frankly, I just want him to have it, if he wants it. It's not like we don't have the money. We do. He sold his house in Ireland enough above the asking price to pay for this. It's not like we made a snap decision.... in fact, it's taken us longer to make this decision than it took to buy our house and we often laugh at that fact. We will both get immense amounts of pleasure out of this car, we are sure of that. We may never buy a new car again.. (Unless we BOTH want to drive it, then we may have to get another. lol)

Here's what our new baby looks like. That's not our car, or our house and ours is actually a 2006 (this is the 2005, they look the same). I feel like a proud mama.

Hurtin'

Last night Irish and I went out for an evening of rabble-rousing with a new group that we met... ahem.... online. One lovely girl started this local group and if last night was any indication, it's certainly been a success. There must have been 35 people there! We met at a local irish pub (poor show of Gu1nness, we didn't bother...) and some of had dinner and pints, others just drinks. The people I met were really nice and even though most of them had been out together before, they made us feel welcome and that felt really good. There is constantly something to do with the group - that particular event was the 3rd Tuesday gathering at a local establishment. Those with dogs often meet up at the local dog park and hang out. There's coffee days, hockey games, parties. You name it. If they don't have it, you can arrange it. They even have salsa dancing lessons, which irish is willing to give a go. It's tonight though, and after 5 pints last night, I woke up with a cold starting and all I want to do is lay down and go to sleep!

Looking forward to making new friends though. It feels good to try and get connected in a new town. Hopefully it will continue to go well.

not the post I was planning...

Diverting from our regularly scheduled program...

---Q: why did the pervert cross the road?
A: he was stuck in the chicken.-----

Ok, this is Irishs' joke. this is what I get to live with... day in/day out. Silly joke, maybe. But it never fails to make me laugh. HE never fails to make me laugh. I never fail to say rude, unexpected things that he doesn't expect. It's a good combination. Laughter truly is the most important thing in a relationship, methinks. Never have I been in a relationship where one minute I'm irked by something he's done, the next minute I'm laughing at something he's said. I can't hold a grudge, I can't be angry, frankly, life is too short. Why would I want to be angry at my best friend? Why would anyone want to be mad at a friend, ever?

I understand someone doing something to you. I understand losing trust in a person because they hurt you, because their definition of integrity is different than yours and theirs isn't enough. What I don't understand is 'misunderstandings'. When one person says one thing and it's miscontrued, taken out of context, or just plain taken wrong. Why would anyone who's a truly a 'friend' just let something as little as that keep you from being friends with them? The first time I experienced this, I was doing something emotionally abusive to myself. My friend that I was spending a majority of my time with was also affected by it. I don't remember exactly what I was doing to her but it wasn't good, I didn't even know I was doing it. She wrote me a long letter and told me what I'd done, told me she was planning on backing off from our friendship because I wasn't being good to myself, to her. Thank god she wrote me that letter instead of just cutting me out of her life. We were able to move past the problem after talking about it in great detail. We are still great friends today, probably one of the only friends that I have a truly 'honest' friendship with. I can tell her anything.

Having true friends is such a blessing.. actually making them, even harder. Especially as I get older, I cherish my friendships more. The people who actually stick around, who put in the work that it takes to maintain. Meeting people is easy. Finding people who not only want to have a new friend but who actually want to do the work is like finding a needle in a haystack. When you find those people you have to hold on. So I don't understand when some people back off, when you don't hear from them for awhile. I don't understand people who hold grudges. Tell me you're pissed if you are, let's move on from this. Tell me I said something shitty, or I don't call you enough and you want to hear from me more, let's move forward. Give a sh1t, like you care that you haven't heard from me in a couple weeks - have enough balls to make the first move. I don't care. Just don't let the friendship end. Don't let it disappear to nothingness. Fight for it. Don't you think it's worth it?