Feeling a little boring...

I haven't written much lately because... well, frankly... I'm feeling a little boring. My weight loss isn't going the direction I'd like it and I'm cold. Bah!

It has been the most beautiful winter (barring that awful snow and minor snow episodes since) with sunshine and/or no rain. I can live like this. I still want warm sun on a daily basis but it could be much, much worse.

Things to babble about this month. I had a minor meltdown a few weeks back. Anyone who knows me, knows I need time alone. Well, I also need time with people. People other than my husband and child and people who actually 'get' me and well, that I consider a close friend. I don't have that in Seattle. It's hard enough to have that and try to have a life with your family. It means cutting precious time out of the couple hours that you have with your daughter on a weekend evening, or working out some way to meet on a weekend where you aren't making your husband (who never goes out or takes time for himself with friends) watch your child in an unfair imbalance of parental duties. It means getting over guilt for being away from your kid during the only hours she's home. It means getting over guilt of wishing they would both go out for a few hours and let me hang out in the house alone with my thoughts on a non-working day. Anyhow, I'm still struggling with that guilt and hopefully that part of it will work itself out in due time. But all of those things would be less of an issue if I had at least one close friend in the same or very similar situation in life - small toddler, working mom - who didn't have a hundred other commitments (family members and a whole host of friends they met in college who fit the same situation in life they have) where they actually might welcome my friendship. LOL I'm a quirk of nature at best... I don't like shopping, prefer to take a walk or sit and have a glass of wine. I would get a pedicure but not into manicures, I'd love a work out partner but I'd just go out to lunch if that is all that was available. I would bring my kid sometimes and our kids would play so we could have a chat, rather going through the whole getting-to-know you bullshit. God, I'm tired of "getting-to-know-you", I just want my friends. Funny, just typing this, I am getting sad again. I don't cry often, almost never these days, but the day that this originally came up for me, I could not stop. Now it's bringing tears to my eyes again. Obviously I have hit that nerve. All the other days I push it back and when I think about it, all these feelings come up again. Sigh..

We drive around from place to place looking for a new home, every weekend we do this. We want good schools, bigger house (not too big), new would be nice but not necessary, garden bigger than a postage stamp, people in our socio-economic/small child period of life. I am starting to realize that this.is.impossible. We can't afford it. We can't find it. West Seattle is not it. People are so hard to KNOW here. All those people who say they find Seattle friendly and have met great friends must not require much out of their friends. I am actually calling "friends" of people I see once every 4 months just so I can say I have some friends these days. LOL I actually suggested to M that we move back to Ireland. At the very least, we'd have his family nearby (even a 4 hour drive is nearby to me) and a few friends in our situation. One of my best friends lives there now and is trying to get pregnant. It would be perfect or maybe not but I am desperate. I am sad. Crazy, I know. And now you all know too. :)

Ok, just so this isn't a huge downer, I have a few E stories. This weekend we went for a lovely walk around a lake. At the end of it, I was trying to get E to the car and she was having none of it. She was playing ring-around-the-rosie with a tree since her mother wouldn't do it. I must've been 40 -50 feet away from her, just watching her. I think I was thinking it was the farthest I've ever been from her and she did not come to me (I noticed people looking at her and I thought they must be wondering 'where is her mother?' but I could be wrong) and in fact, she walked towards some other people who were playing frisbee. After about 10 minutes, she looked at me like she finally saw me - WAY OVER THERE - and came trotting over to me. It was that moment I could see my future. I wish I could say that I am completely present for every moment she is with me and that I know our time is short in this world, in this time of our relationship, but I'm not. Sometimes I need to stare blindly off into space or I ask her to read to herself because I have a headache. But at that moment, I realized that I should try harder to be present because it's going to be gone tomorrow. Wait, did I say this wasn't going to be downer? Suddenly it took a turn! lol

You know, I have normal photos of my child but I like the ones with her cheesy grin, I find it hilarious because she can be hilarious. She had just gotten this new haircut and if you ever want to feel like a shit, take your small child to get her haircut. She cried before we even got in the chair. It didn't help that when we got in the chair, the girl sprayed her hair with water like right.in.her.face! Beeeyotch! Are you trying to make it worse? Anyhow, I guess that's why they call it Budg3t Cuts. You don't get the customer service like the other place. On the plus side, it was open on Monday and we had a day off. Fortunately, we ended on a good note. E seemed to like her haircut (even though she looks like Buster Brown) and she got a piece of chocolate from the nice torturer.. I mean stylist lady.