Getting better, thank you

Thanks to everyone for the pep talks. I needed to hear that I was normal, or sorta normal. I feel about 75 percent better since that day I posted.

I started working on my individual issues, breaking them down instead of piling them on top of each other. I can't remember which day I posted but since then, I've seen a therapist at the suggestion of my midwife, my lactation consultant, my mother and M. But before I saw her, I spoke with the lactation consultant and decided that I wanted to stop breastfeeding. (I'm probably going to get some La Leche person getting on my blog and harassing me now! lol)
I think the bulk of my issue was that physically I haven't been feeling well and on top of that, feeling like a milk machine and not feeling close to my daughter. I actually felt a bit resentful of the breastfeeding and on top of that, was feeling guilty about stopping breastfeeding. I had placed this high standard on how I wanted to be a mother and I wasn't holding up well. But a number of people said that if I wasn't feeling 100 percent, I wasn't going to be able to give Emer 100 percent and she'd know it. Many of us were formula fed and turned out just fine, including myself and M, and we'd survived. I had given her a month and she was already better off than nothing. So, Thursday I decided I was going to stop. It helped to talk to my lactation consultant and she didn't skip a beat when I told her I wanted to stop. She gave me instructions now on how to dry up my milk. Needless to say, the painful swollen boobs are hardly noticeable now that my mood has lifted. I'm still working on the other issues.. one day at a time.

The biggest difference is that I am enjoying my daughter now. I feel more inclined to hold her, even when she's crying, and trying to figure out what is going on with her. I love seeing her smiles, and she has started to smile a bit. (probably gas but it's okay, we think she's smiling at us!) Last night I was even able to do the late shift with her and survived without M's help, while he went to get a bit of much needed sleep. We've also made plans to go to the San Diego area (my parents) about 5-6 days early to get some much needed sunshine. I think that getting into see the therapist and making decisions about bf helped me out a lot. I still have another appt with the therapist when I return from Ireland so I'm prepared for some of those feelings to linger... but for now, I'm doing much better...