Starting over

I just noticed the date of my last blog entry. March 2009. Sh1t! A lot has happened since then.
Like everyone else, I jumped ship and went over to FB. Since then, I've given up on FB (except for a daily visit to comment and view people's photos and play Chug IT with my friend that won't quit! LOL). It was not feeling very personal to me and I had stopped checking in with my real friends - writing emails to really get to the heart of my good friends, or calling to see how they were doing. Not that blogging really goes there either. And frankly, no one is probably reading this blog anymore as they've all gone over to FB too. No worries though. I will write for myself. :)

It's been a busy year! We sold our house in May, moved to CA, moved again in CA, settled in, traveled to Ireland, put an offer on a house here that we are waiting to hear back on. It's a short sale so we are waiting a loooonnnnnng time but that's okay because our lease isn't up until June. Still, I look forward to a little more space and hopefully making a few more friends in our neighborhood.

It's been a great move for us, to be closer to my parents who are only 40 minutes away. We see them almost weekly, either us there or them out here now that the weather has gotten cooler. They won't come out in the summer, which is okay because we are usually going to the beach which is closer to them! Can you believe that? To the beach?! We were there on Thanksgiving - Emer was digging in the sand, it was lovely. I'm constantly feeling blessed by the lovely weather down here...

Well, til the last 4 days. We've been in a drenching downpour that seems to be lasting 40 days and 40 nights. As bad as anything I've seen in Seattle, probably worse. Again, so blessed to not have to go out to work in it... Yay! That's all for now. Hears hoping I have more interesting things to say in the future!

A week like no other.

This photo is probably too small but I'm not downloading to my laptop anymore so i have to take what i can get. E smiling with her daddy. I love this photo! I think it may be the first time she picked out a dress to wear. That is not my kid!

So, we are going on the end of week one on our own. Two girls and a dog. It's been interesting to say the least. Mostly I've noticed that it's hard on your own. Not impossible, just harder. M is usually the one who gets up when the little Miss cries in the night. Or we both lay there hoping the other will get her and she falls back to sleep in the meanwhile. But now, since I am the only one and usually woken from a very sound sleep, I get up to get her out of sheer confusion! For a couple nights, she's woken up very early and asked for "cheese". I try to tell her it's not time to get up yet but that doesn't seem to fly. I don't know why! LOL Needless to say, I've been tired most of the time. I guess it's because I haven't worked out either. I really need to get back into that.

So M left last Friday morning and E and I had plans Friday and Saturday night. Our Sunday morning play date was canceled due to weather so Sunday was a very long day inside. Don't ask me why I didn't just pack her up in the car and drive to the mall so she could run around. It didn't even cross my mind that I could "go" somewhere. LOL Monday night we went to a play date/dinner with friends, Tuesday had a St Patrick's Day party with moms/kids, Wednesday two friends came over for leftovers... whew! Yesterday we stayed home and rested. Tonight again, same plan. I think I may have overbooked early in the week. :) This weekend I'll have help from a visiting friend and then M is home on Tuesday night. It should go smoothly. Now that I've said that, though, I guess I've opened myself up for all sorts of mayhem.

I've noticed a couple of interesting things lately, and I have to figure out how to handle them. Since E is an only child and probably will be, and as well she goes to daycare, she's never learned how to "fight" for toys. At home, she doesn't have to share usually. At daycare, all she gets to do is share. When we go out to other kids houses', I've noticed that she looks at me or comes to get me whenever another kid takes what she was playing with. My guess is that she expects me to handle things like the daycare teachers, who probably push sharing and/or give the toy back to the kid that was playing with it. Whatever that is. I usually tell her that things are a little different when we are at people's house, she can either wait for the item to be available again or she can push the kid when he tries to take the toy. I don't care. I don't want her to be a bully but I don't want her to not do anything (or expect me to do something). I guess it's a new situation that we need to work out. I want to support her without her thinking that I need to 'save' her. Sometimes we don't get what we want but sometimes we have to fight too. It's hard to know how to handle it. At least, it is for me. Maybe with a few more evenings like that, she might get it...

The opposite of that is that when the kids are at our house, she is a REALLY good sharer. I've never seen her take a toy away from another kid who is visiting our house. Maybe it's not a good sharer but too timid to do something, I don't know. I don't want to put her in a box. I just know that she seems pretty open when kids play with her stuff. Along with that, we had about 6 kids over on Tuesday night with ages ranging from 18 months - 5 yrs old. All of them were downstairs playing and E was upstairs with the moms, playing by herself. She would go to the stairs every now and then and check out what they were doing but then would come right back up and keep playing. She had no interest. Although the next morning, she did ask me where the kids went.

In many ways, I am seeing her like me. She likes the company of few. A lot of people seem to turn her off unless it's a lot of familiar people. I suppose being in daycare all day would make you want to be alone when you got home. I know it would if I were in a daycare all day!

Ok, as long as I am babbling on about E, I thought I'd share one last thing because I find it funny. Maybe you'd have to hear her to think it's as funny as I do. She had one little friend, I think it's a stuffed lamb or something, but we call him Ted (all the bears are Ted too). This little Ted gets in trouble ALL the time and has to go to time outs. Then after the time out, she turns to him, picks him up and holds him to her and says "Oh, honey, it's alright" only it sounds more like "Oh hohney, it's alright" and I am convinced it's one of the daycare workers that talks like that. The way she says that is not like we talk. I'll have to try and record it in a video. (Ted is constantly getting in trouble for biting, I don't know why. ;))

Anyhow, now that I have sufficiently bored you, I'm going to sign off and take a nap.

Takin' it day by day

So after my whiny post last week, I got my butt off the couch and started making some plans. I mean, you can't meet anyone if you aren't getting out and if I can conveniently use my child as an excuse to get together with other mothers then so be it. We actually had 2 play dates, one ice cream event and also a Mother's Night out with the mom's group I joined. Who knew there were nice people out there? I didn't (well, I had an idea but, boy in our neighborhood, they are hard to find). It's helps to have a little social interaction - just enough to make me happy and still talk to people about things I have no clue about. Did you know that toddlers have to be potty trained? Yes, it's true. Here I thought one day they just figured it out. I know I did. ;) How do you potty train a toddler? Yes, I'm learning how. TG for our daycare admin because I certainly wouldn't know anything. LOL

Anyhow, I'm feeling better. M is probably stressed more than ever. He's planning for a trip home for a nice break with friends and family but since we are putting our house up for sale in April (hopefully) he also has a lot of little jobs that have been waiting for his attention. Our downstairs bathroom, now finished. All the little odds and ends, completed. Gosh, it feels good and I didn't even do it. It just took a deadline and a lot of pressure for him but he's marching through it. He leaves in 2 weeks - we have a lot to do before then.

The past weekend I got to feel like how it feels for people who shake/abuse/abandon their children (I'm sure some search is going to come up and CPS will be on my doorstep in a moment). I would never do that physical damage but I can clearly see how someone could be at the end of their rope, desperate for some kind of divine intervention but not receiving it. I don't know what happened... sometimes we just have bad days... my patience was thin... her need to test it was great, I guess. Specifically at one point we were in the car, M driving and E was calling "Mama" from the backseat. I usually answer her, thinking more is coming, and it does not. I say "yes" she says "mama" again. After the 20th time, I stop answering (no one said I was quick). Then she moves on to asking for a cracker. "well honey, I don't have any crackers in the car today". She asks again, I answer again. Her whiny voice asks again and I don't know how many times this is but I told you I didn't have an f-ing cracker stop f-ing asking me for one! Of course, I didn't put it like this but my raised voice and my stink eye implied this. She was quiet for about a millisecond and then "cracker" was heard from the back seat. Needless to say, it moved downhill from there and once home, eventually earned her some "time alone" in her bedroom. Sometimes... Sometimes, I don't think I'm cut out for this.

And then, the cutest smile, the cheesiest grin, the hug. Sucker for punishment, I am. How do people cope with more than one?

Feeling a little boring...

I haven't written much lately because... well, frankly... I'm feeling a little boring. My weight loss isn't going the direction I'd like it and I'm cold. Bah!

It has been the most beautiful winter (barring that awful snow and minor snow episodes since) with sunshine and/or no rain. I can live like this. I still want warm sun on a daily basis but it could be much, much worse.

Things to babble about this month. I had a minor meltdown a few weeks back. Anyone who knows me, knows I need time alone. Well, I also need time with people. People other than my husband and child and people who actually 'get' me and well, that I consider a close friend. I don't have that in Seattle. It's hard enough to have that and try to have a life with your family. It means cutting precious time out of the couple hours that you have with your daughter on a weekend evening, or working out some way to meet on a weekend where you aren't making your husband (who never goes out or takes time for himself with friends) watch your child in an unfair imbalance of parental duties. It means getting over guilt for being away from your kid during the only hours she's home. It means getting over guilt of wishing they would both go out for a few hours and let me hang out in the house alone with my thoughts on a non-working day. Anyhow, I'm still struggling with that guilt and hopefully that part of it will work itself out in due time. But all of those things would be less of an issue if I had at least one close friend in the same or very similar situation in life - small toddler, working mom - who didn't have a hundred other commitments (family members and a whole host of friends they met in college who fit the same situation in life they have) where they actually might welcome my friendship. LOL I'm a quirk of nature at best... I don't like shopping, prefer to take a walk or sit and have a glass of wine. I would get a pedicure but not into manicures, I'd love a work out partner but I'd just go out to lunch if that is all that was available. I would bring my kid sometimes and our kids would play so we could have a chat, rather going through the whole getting-to-know you bullshit. God, I'm tired of "getting-to-know-you", I just want my friends. Funny, just typing this, I am getting sad again. I don't cry often, almost never these days, but the day that this originally came up for me, I could not stop. Now it's bringing tears to my eyes again. Obviously I have hit that nerve. All the other days I push it back and when I think about it, all these feelings come up again. Sigh..

We drive around from place to place looking for a new home, every weekend we do this. We want good schools, bigger house (not too big), new would be nice but not necessary, garden bigger than a postage stamp, people in our socio-economic/small child period of life. I am starting to realize that this.is.impossible. We can't afford it. We can't find it. West Seattle is not it. People are so hard to KNOW here. All those people who say they find Seattle friendly and have met great friends must not require much out of their friends. I am actually calling "friends" of people I see once every 4 months just so I can say I have some friends these days. LOL I actually suggested to M that we move back to Ireland. At the very least, we'd have his family nearby (even a 4 hour drive is nearby to me) and a few friends in our situation. One of my best friends lives there now and is trying to get pregnant. It would be perfect or maybe not but I am desperate. I am sad. Crazy, I know. And now you all know too. :)

Ok, just so this isn't a huge downer, I have a few E stories. This weekend we went for a lovely walk around a lake. At the end of it, I was trying to get E to the car and she was having none of it. She was playing ring-around-the-rosie with a tree since her mother wouldn't do it. I must've been 40 -50 feet away from her, just watching her. I think I was thinking it was the farthest I've ever been from her and she did not come to me (I noticed people looking at her and I thought they must be wondering 'where is her mother?' but I could be wrong) and in fact, she walked towards some other people who were playing frisbee. After about 10 minutes, she looked at me like she finally saw me - WAY OVER THERE - and came trotting over to me. It was that moment I could see my future. I wish I could say that I am completely present for every moment she is with me and that I know our time is short in this world, in this time of our relationship, but I'm not. Sometimes I need to stare blindly off into space or I ask her to read to herself because I have a headache. But at that moment, I realized that I should try harder to be present because it's going to be gone tomorrow. Wait, did I say this wasn't going to be downer? Suddenly it took a turn! lol

You know, I have normal photos of my child but I like the ones with her cheesy grin, I find it hilarious because she can be hilarious. She had just gotten this new haircut and if you ever want to feel like a shit, take your small child to get her haircut. She cried before we even got in the chair. It didn't help that when we got in the chair, the girl sprayed her hair with water like right.in.her.face! Beeeyotch! Are you trying to make it worse? Anyhow, I guess that's why they call it Budg3t Cuts. You don't get the customer service like the other place. On the plus side, it was open on Monday and we had a day off. Fortunately, we ended on a good note. E seemed to like her haircut (even though she looks like Buster Brown) and she got a piece of chocolate from the nice torturer.. I mean stylist lady.

a new era

It's funny but even the cynic that I can sometimes be (thanks in part to a cynical hubby) is filled with hope over our new president. He may end up sucking like the last one but at least his speaking skills will not become fodder for The Daily Show. We won't have to endure any more smirks that make us think that he doesn't really believe what he's saying so why should we? Anyhow, it's over, so I don't think I'll dwell it. We watched the inauguration on Tuesday like a lot of other people and we prepared E for the big day. Of course, since then, anyone who's on the TV is called Obama. So maybe she doesn't really know who he is specifically. ;)

Along with the new administration, I'm back on the WW bandwagon. A little less intensely than the last time but still in hopes to keep things in check. I gained 3.5 pounds over the holiday and I'm sure that not working out has shifted things in the downward direction a bit. This week I was back down 4 pounds, just for keeping track of what I was eating. I'm sure we all know where this will go next week! Rather than 5 days a week at the gym, I'm working on a more relaxing schedule... more walks in the evening with the whole family (we go whenever it's not raining) and this week I've even incorporated a few workouts at the gym. My goal is to drag my butt out of my warm toasty bed into the cold dark air of the house and make it to the gym only 2 mornings a week! That's not bad. However, that's been my goal since I returned from CA and I haven't been there once yet. It does not help that I put a blanket over the window and it's even darker in the morning than it was!

Ever since we returned from vaca, I can't get the kid to sleep in a bed for love nor money. For the last week, the poor thing has been sleeping on the floor, on her sleeping bag, behind her closed door (which we had to close otherwise she would get out of bed for an hour each night after we said goodnight), her little face peeking under the crack in the door. I wish I could get a photo but I can't. I feel, and I'm sure M will agree, like horrible parents but we have tried all angles. At the end of the day, we are the parents and we set the boundaries. We need to suffer the crying of our child so that she will sleep better (she actually sleeps really well on the floor and wakes up happy) and so we will. I can't wait to see how it is when we go and return from Ireland next year.

Well, I know I'm cutting this off but if I don't post it now, I'll forget until it's 2011... Talk with you cats later. :)

Quiet times

It's been a whirlwind of a month and if you are on Facebook, you already know all this. Plus if you watch the news, you probably know that we had the worst snowstorm in a few years right before Christmas. We loved seeing the snow fall the first day, we walked every day we could and we even went sledding down our hill. I guess that was the only advantage to living on a hill in a bad snowstorm... sledding was good and very close to home. Our deck had about a foot and a half of snow. The girl was home every.day. And I found out the disadvantage of working from home! You don't get to take snow days! What! Just because I don't drive to work doesn't mean I shouldn't get to enjoy a bit of fun like everyone else.... But no, I had to work and E was home the whole time. It was challenging to say the least. It certainly makes me appreciate stay-at-home moms even more than they can spend the whole day with their kids. Every day. Anyhow, this photo was taken when M went to the store with E in the sled and on his way back, she dozed off. It was too cute so we sent it to our local area blog and she made the front page briefly before she was kicked off by yet more snow coverage.

So, the week leading up to Christmas was very uneventful in our lives, just slow torture where you could not really get out of the house and/or your child did not want to walk in the snow so you either had to carry her everywhere or stay inside. We thought briefly that we would not be able to fly to So Cal for Christmas but at the last moment, we got a break and our neighbor agreed to drive us. I only have two photos of the girl from Christmas, that were taken on a Fl1p video camera... forgive me the crappy shot.

Oh, and to add to that great list of December 2008 items, I've probably gained back 10 pounds! WAH!

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I think this is about the funnest thing to do that is legal. Go to the website, upload a few photos and pick your dance. It's hilarious.